The most common thing parents face is crying. It is everywhere because it is a universal reaction of a child to any sensation: from pleasant to unpleasant. (Yes, we cry not only from pain/sadness/insult, but also from joy). Some tears are reflexive — due to irritation of the mucous membrane of the eye. As a psychophysiological process, tears occur when we experience strong emotions. And this is a unique human reaction — animals do not have it.
It is no secret that crying is beneficial. The same phrase we were told as children, “cry and you will feel better,” actually works.
Tears trigger the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms and reduces stress levels. When a child cries and their parents hug or comfort them, oxytocin, the attachment hormone, is released. This, in turn, reduces the release of cortisol, the stress hormone. Deep breathing, which occurs during crying, also reduces cortisol. Through tears, we get rid of excess adrenaline that accumulates in the body, thus relieving tension. “Cry and it will all go away” — tears act as a mild natural analgesic, so it is perfectly normal to cry when something hurts, because it really reduces the sensation of pain.
When we cry, endorphins are also released, which make us calmer and improve our mood. And that’s not all. Crying also has a physiological function: tears moisturise and cleanse the eyes. So, as you can see, crying plays a very important role.
By the way, hormones also influence the process of crying. Women have higher levels of prolactin, so they are more prone to crying. Men have higher levels of testosterone, which reduces the need to express emotions through tears. That is why men cry less often. Interestingly, testosterone levels decrease with age, so older men may cry more often than when they were younger — even though it used to be “uncharacteristic” for them.
Studies show that crying 1-2 times a week is good for your health. It increases life expectancy because it helps reduce the effects of stress and makes it easier to overcome difficulties.
People who chronically suppress crying accumulate internal tension. It does not go away. It can manifest itself in increased blood pressure, muscle tension, headaches, or other psychosomatic symptoms and illnesses.
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Tears – manipulation of children?
Children’s tears are never “just because.” Most often, they occur when a child is in pain, upset, offended, angry, something has gone wrong, or they have not received what they wanted.
Tears are a signal of the need for care. Children do not yet know how to calm themselves down on their own, which is why they need adults. Children communicate with us through crying. They literally say or behave in a way that shows that something is wrong, that they are having a hard time, that they cannot cope, or, conversely, that they are overexcited because they are happy about their successes.
Is crying manipulation? Maybe yes, maybe no. It depends on how we respond to crying. Remember, children are not capable of manipulation until the age of 4-5 (simply because the part of the brain responsible for this trait is not yet mature). But sometimes children can still “manipulate with tears,” trying to soften adults and get their way. This happens when we set boundaries but then push them because we can’t stand the crying. In other words, our actions become inconsistent. We forbid the child to do something, but after 2-3 minutes of loud crying, we give in and give them what they want. At this moment, the child remembers: “Yes, I will cry more and louder, and mum/dad will give in sooner or later.” Tears should not push boundaries. The child may not agree to what is forbidden and cry, and we sympathise with them, acknowledge their feelings and try to find a compromise or reach an agreement.
Should boys cry or not cry?
Women cry on average about six times a month, while men cry only one to three times. Even the duration of crying differs: men usually cry for one to three minutes, while women cry for five to six minutes.
It is interesting to note that when a baby cries, we react to it in the same way, regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl. But as soon as the child grows up, “gender rules” appear: “you’re a boy, don’t cry,” “strong boys don’t cry,” “crying = weakness.”
Although the need to cry is exactly the same. Boys need to cry just as much as girls. Crying is a natural mechanism, not a sign of weakness.
Because prohibitions such as “boys don’t cry” lead to adults consciously suppressing boys’ crying, effectively forbidding them from expressing their natural emotions. As a result, many children become withdrawn, and as adults, they do not know how to deal with their emotions, do not understand their own needs, and the learned suppression of crying turns into psychosomatic illnesses. In addition, boys are often taught to feel ashamed of crying and afraid of being exposed as “weak.” And when a grown man suddenly cries, he will call it a “momentary weakness” — as if emotionality should be hidden or apologised for.
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Adults’ reaction to crying
Parents were surveyed about how they respond to crying children aged 3–6 years:
- 23% say that children’s crying makes them nervous and causes severe irritation;
- 17% believe that crying is normal and do not pay attention to it;
- 42% said they could cope with a situation where a child was crying;
- 18% admit that they have serious difficulties perceiving a child’s crying: they themselves rarely cry, consider tears a sign of weakness, and condemn the child for crying.
People are evolutionarily inclined to respond quickly to those who cry, so tears have probably become a way to show others that we need support, attention and care. Crying helps to establish relationships with those around us: when we see someone’s tears, we naturally want to comfort them, calm them down, and make them stop crying. But if parents are tired, exhausted, preoccupied, sleep-deprived or have their own worries, crying can cause irritation, anger, a desire to stop it as quickly as possible, devaluation, ignorance or criticism. And afterwards – feelings of guilt for their actions, for example, for scolding or not being patient.
Often, adults can be irritated by a child’s crying because it touches on their own childhood memories, which are often unconscious. Such adults were not listened to in their childhood, they were pushed away, not comforted, ignored or forbidden to cry. And now, when their child cries, they instinctively want to “shut themselves off” so as not to return to that same painful state. That is why crying becomes unbearable — it activates our own, once unlived loneliness.
Because of this, adults try to “turn off” the crying as quickly as possible — to make it so that it simply cannot be heard. This can be easily noticed in some grandparents: they often try to calm the child by any means necessary.
Because it is really difficult to endure frequent crying. We are tired, exhausted, not always in the best shape, in constant tension, without proper support from loved ones. For example, after a busy day at work, studying, doing household chores, when I pick up my child from kindergarten, I just want some peace and quiet. To be alone for a few minutes. But the reality is different — the child needs attention, contact, sometimes at the very moment when I dream of nothing more than being left alone. I still remember how crying used to annoy me. At first, I thought it was just that it was “hard for me” to endure the crying. But when I started to figure it out, I realised that it was because I was tired. My schedule was so busy that it didn’t leave me a single minute to rest. In such conditions, it is natural to react to crying with irritation.
Sometimes crying is forbidden.
“Don’t cry,” “stop whining,” “if you don’t stop crying, I won’t let you watch cartoons,” “be quiet,” “wipe your tears” — these are all ways of forbidding a child from feeling and experiencing their emotions. At this point, the child either falls silent out of fear, cries silently, swallowing their tears, or, on the contrary, starts crying even harder.
A pattern is triggered: emotion + tears → prohibition → rejection of feelings.
The child receives the message: “crying is bad,” “your reaction is wrong,” “I expect something else from you.” And then emotions are suppressed — not experienced.
Ignoring does not teach the child anything useful. When a child cries and the father or mother demonstratively walks away with the phrase “cry it out — calm down,” the child is left alone with intense stress. For them, it is like punishment: “no one is talking to me,” “I have been abandoned,” “I am crying, they are leaving me, so they don’t love me,” “I am doing something wrong, my parents are punishing me, so crying is bad.”
Ignoring, punishing for tears, or punishing the child itself can lead to deep psychological trauma that will manifest itself in adult life.
Sometimes adults try to “solve” the situation immediately: they say “don’t cry,” give candy, promise a new toy, try to quickly distract the child. Such actions convey the message: “Don’t worry, everything will be fine now,” and quickly replace negative emotions with something sweet, fun or exciting. But such a replacement, like forbidding crying, does not allow the child to experience the emotion.
Do not try to completely protect your child from crying. The world is not perfect — sometimes there are losses, disappointments, and painful moments. Crying is a natural reaction that helps to cope with emotions.
Therefore, it is important to be patient: give your child time to cry a little and experience their situation, but not alone and commenting on what is happening to them.
What to do about crying?
Our task is to recognise what lies behind this reaction and to provide support.
The main thing is to never forbid a child from crying. Because crying is their language. By forbidding it, we are effectively shutting down safe communication for them. And then, when they grow up, don’t be surprised that you can’t get a word out of them as a teenager — they have simply learned to be silent.
Physical contact (hugs) gives the child a sense of security: that everything is fine, that there is a strong, reliable adult nearby who will not leave them. Through touch, the child understands that they can rely on this adult, that they will come to their aid and support them.
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