Well, it happened that children were punished so that they would grow up to be good people. They would be told to “think about their behaviour in the corner” and not spoken to for the rest of the evening. Of course, this was done so that the child would “turn on their brain and understand.” Or, as soon as a toy broke, they would immediately run to buy a new one, just so that “the child would not suffer psychological trauma.” And sometimes, when a child falls, hurts their knee, cries, they are hugged, asked if it hurts, if they are scared, offered help, and the wound is treated. And that’s it, so that the child learns to listen to and support themselves.
These are all examples of different approaches to parenting. So today we will talk about the different styles of parenting, why these classifications exist, and how they influence personality development.
Well, let’s get started.
I first thought about parenting methods when my daughter started copying me and interacting with me. That’s when I realised: I don’t want it to be like it was for me. In other words, I didn’t want to repeat my parents’ scenario. And that’s the first thing we do, because this knowledge has remained with us in some fragmented form from our childhood. I chose to study the literature because the most interesting question is how what I am doing now will affect my child as an adult, how strong, confident and stress-resistant she will be as a person.
There are different names and classifications, but in general, there are four main parenting styles:
- Directive/strict
- Liberal/permissiveness
- Isolated/detached
- Cooperation/care
Let me say right away: there is hardly a single pure option for parenting; we mostly combine them in different circumstances. But knowing the prospects of methods of interacting with a child, you can more often choose the one that you currently like or respond to more.
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Directive
Strict. With punishments. It reminds me of “training”.
I will start with some examples. Perhaps someone will recognise themselves or how they were treated.
- “Because I said so!”
- “You’re nobody here, you’re worthless, you’re a failure.”
- “The milk hasn’t dried yet”
- “Crippled”
- “I know better, you can’t do anything.”
- “Don’t whine, listen to your parents.”
- “Look for the smaller one”
- “It doesn’t work without a belt”
- “If he hits you, it means he loves you.”
- “Where it hits, it kisses”
- “You don’t deserve a cake.”
What is essential in the subtype of education:
An adult demands obedience.
What is happening:
Emotions are a weakness. Tears are punished. A normal child = an obedient, “convenient” child who is easy to control and does not cause problems. High standards, strict discipline. Insensitivity = emotional closedness.
How it affects the child’s psyche:
The child pays for obedience with their mental health. They lack warmth, love and care. They feel lonely and unwanted. They do not understand their own needs and feelings (the feelings of others are more important, so they resort to deception to please their parents and receive love). Internally, they do not feel their own value. They are anxious (constantly afraid of punishment).
Consequence: codependent relationships (“aggression is passed down from generation to generation” — a pattern of behaviour following the same scenario), susceptibility to addiction, self-harm, the role of victim or abuser (she simply did not see others).
Very often, the directive method involves physical punishment as a means of “discipline” because “otherwise they won’t understand.” But stop, stop, and stop again! Any violence is unacceptable! The Law of Ukraine “On Preventing and Combating Domestic Violence” prohibits any violence: psychological and physical.
Physical punishment makes a child feel unsafe. What should be a safe place becomes dangerous. Even one instance is enough for a child to remember: I can now expect to be hit at any time here (the brain is in a state of chronic stress/anticipation). Remember, children may forget what you said or did, but they will never forget how you made them feel!
After physical punishment, children develop low self-esteem, distrust, weakness, fears, aggression, anxiety, emotional withdrawal, cruelty, loneliness, and mental or psychosomatic illnesses.
Children then copy this behaviour in the world. Do not be surprised that they beat up children on the playground or animals — those who are weaker. The child develops a sense of hierarchy: if I am weaker, they beat me and that’s okay; if I am stronger, I beat them and that’s okay too.
If anyone says, “The child won’t understand otherwise” (I am very angry here, because there is enough aggression from our damn neighbours, and it breaks my heart to see it being generated here, among our children), boundaries can be set without aggression!
First, take a breath and think about why it’s hard for you to endure this, because first and foremost, it’s about you, not the child.
Second, when a child is being hit, the only thing they think about is “surviving, reducing the pain, not feeling it, hiding so that it ends faster.” This is definitely not why you are hitting or “teaching” them. At this moment, they also feel injustice and aggression in response. And yes, they will apologise later because communicating with you is important to them, but it is not because they understand what you wanted to convey to them. Because as long as there is danger, there is no learning!
It is not easy to change established behaviours. But it is possible. The brain is plastic. And if you come to your senses, you can always review your behaviour and learn alternative, safe methods of interacting with your child. Progress takes time. And the safer and more trusting the relationship between parents and children is, the easier it is to reach agreement on difficult issues.
Avoiding
Detached. Ignoring.
Perhaps when a significant adult is unavailable, for example due to illness, and another adult does not take on parental responsibility. Or as a form of punishment.
Examples.
- “Figure it out yourself.”
- “You’re so grown up now.”
- “You can manage without me”
- “You’ll get by”
- “Find food for yourself and feed your sister.”
- “Go and think about your behaviour.”
- “I don’t want to see you”
- “I wish I had never given birth to you.”
- “If you do that, I’ll leave/I won’t take you/I’ll leave you/I’ll give you to that woman/to the children’s home.”
What is essential in the subtype of education:
The child is treated as completely independent and grown up. For example, a 5-year-old is left home alone and forced to cook lunch for a 3-year-old, cope with emotions or other difficulties. And in the case of punishment, psychological abuse. Because emotional pain is comparable in intensity to physical pain.
How it affects the child’s psyche:
The child feels fear, “I am not needed,” “I am not loved,” “I am nobody,” “I am bad.” Why do I have to be so grown up? I don’t want to do this, I want to play and be carried.
“Go think in the corner” provokes feelings of injustice in a child. They feel hurt and despair. They feel misunderstood. All of this means that their parents do not love them. It awakens a desire to do anything to earn love or to immediately misbehave — “out of spite.” And so the cycle continues. They remember: if I make a mistake, I will be left alone.
Consequence:
avoids conflicts, emotional outbursts, anxiety, depression, fears, relationship problems, social isolation, withdrawal, tendencies toward self-destruction, and addictions.
Liberal
Permissiveness. No limits. The opposite of directive. Overprotection.
Examples:
- “If you want it, we’ll buy it.”
- “If you want to eat from my plate, that’s fine.”
- “Would you like me to ask the girl to give you her doll?”
- “Yes, I won’t go to the gym, to work, etc. I’ll play with you.”
- “Yes, I’ll do as you wish.”
- “You are my best, everything to you”
- “The last piece of food is yours.”
- “It broke, let’s buy a new one.”
What is essential in the subtype of education:
The child’s needs come first — “only the best for children.” Parents cannot refuse their child. There are no rules. There are no personal boundaries. Overprotection. Sometimes there may be generosity with gifts, but coldness with what is important — love, emotional closeness, attention. It is impossible to love too much (give too much love).
Setting boundaries does not make you a bad person. Rules are necessary. Rules, routines and restrictions provide security for the child, giving them a sense of “control” and predictability. Encountering limitations is a necessity. If they learn this in childhood, they will be able to cope with disappointment in adulthood when they are not chosen for something (a job, a relationship, etc.). Let your child accept that the world is not perfect and cannot give them everything at once. Achieving their goals takes time and effort. But this is how true confidence is formed, because it comes not from getting what you want, but from your own achievements.
How it affects the child’s psyche:
Lacks restraint, self-control, does not know how to say “no”, does not understand his own boundaries or those of others, emotional instability, hysterics, low empathy, selfishness, egocentricity, arrogance.
Consequence:
prone to addictions (gaming, eating), hysterical, infantile and impulsive personalities. Difficult to cope with problems.
Caring
Cooperation. Respect. I hear you, you hear me.
Examples:
- “I can see you’re angry, that’s normal, let me help you sort it out.”
- “It’s hard for you, I can see you’re tired.”
- “You’re upset that you have to go home. I understand. I’m sorry, but it’s time for us to go home.”
- “I see you’re happy. Do you enjoy doing this?”
- “No, you can’t take my phone. You have a right to be angry, but it’s my property and I want it to stay here.”
What is essential in the subtype of education:
Healthy discipline, emotional closeness, compassion and care. Boundaries are set, but at the same time the child’s feelings are taken into account.
How it affects the child’s psyche:
Healthy self-esteem, emotional stability, stress resistance, responsibility, confidence, caring for others, willpower, endurance.
Consequence:
mental health, strong social skills.
Conclusion
So, in the end, the types of upbringing, for me, highlighted what awaits a child in the future. And these are not just words that are people’s hypotheses, this is scientific data. Let’s remember the first questions a psychotherapist or psychologist asks during a session when analysing an adult’s problem: “What was your childhood like?” Because childhood is the foundation of what a child will become, how stress-resistant, adaptable and confident they will be.
And yes, let’s not forget that a child is a personality. They grow and develop at their own pace.
They are not a project or property. Their “dependence” on us until they reach adulthood does not mean that they are our property or a chance to realise what we have not achieved in life (realise your dreams, it’s never too late).
A child should not be the centre of attention, because subconsciously you will demand “gratitude” from them for all the years you have sacrificed for them.
They are not a copy of you, who will be a chance to “rewrite everything”.
They are not a trophy to show off to your friends.
Your child has their own path. They have their own mistakes to make in order to gain experience. They learn to be themselves by your example, so don’t forget to live your wonderful life so that your child can have one too.
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