I’m tired of not sleeping. Or sleeping in uncomfortable positions so as not to wake the baby. I don’t know how to stop the crying. When will I be able to take a bath or go to the toilet by myself? Come on… These thoughts were on my mind during the first year of my child’s life. Let’s go, today we’ll talk about the perfect mother, fatigue, postpartum depression and self-support for mothers.
There is no such thing as a perfect standard
The first thing I want to say is that there is no such thing as a perfect mother! Perfection is something unrealistic. Why be unrealistic? It is better to be genuine, sincere, and live life with your child as it is — with challenges, victories, and ups and downs, because it is this authenticity that will significantly influence your child’s growth later on.
The ideal standard of a mother is a fictional mother. Well, I’m talking about the one that society paints: a chic woman, a strong personality, a wonderful hostess, a beautiful lover, a talented worker, the best friend, and all that is the best, super, and wow.
Stop. This is not real. This balance is invented to lead people to disappointment and a constant feeling of “something is wrong with me” or “I have to do something.” Because let’s face it — when you focus on one thing, another thing suffers. And that’s okay. We are not robots, we are alive and we develop rapidly where there are thoughts. So if a woman is immersed in motherhood in the first few months, of course she won’t be able to, for example, take care of the household at the same level as before giving birth.
So I want to say: leave mothers alone, give them support, don’t judge them. Because believe me, many women judge themselves enough. The simplest example I heard from a friend who took her child to nursery, who condemned herself for taking her child to nursery early (her girl is now 2.1), that the child is in nursery and the mother is at home and does not work, because she decided to come to her senses after intense years of motherhood at home.
The truth is that you will be the best and ideal mother for your child for a long time, at least until they reach adolescence :). That’s when the separation process begins, the search for themselves and “you are bad parents!”. And this imposed “be a perfect mother” exhausts the mother’s already depleted resources.
Because fatigue weighs heavily on mothers right away and without fail! Almost every woman experiences it in the first months (and years) after giving birth. Look at the dark circles under my eyes — proof of a sleepless night with my baby! She is already 2.7 seconds old and doesn’t wake up as often at night as she did in the first months of her life.
While expecting a baby, mothers anticipate happiness, joy, and an abundance of love. However, there will also be challenges, sleepless nights, endless concerns about health, and limited time for themselves. Honestly, for the first few weeks, I could only go to the toilet with my baby because I was afraid she would wake up and wake up the whole family. Damn. That was then. Now I wouldn’t give a damn if my baby woke someone up.
Read also:
“Are you serious?!” What is women’s first reaction to a newborn baby?
The dark side of motherhood
So encountering the dark side of motherhood is not always easy; it can be frightening and upsetting. Mums get tired — physically and mentally — and there isn’t always an opportunity to recover.
And this is where the chain reaction begins: general exhaustion leads to increased irritability (which is okay, it’s not a flaw or unpreparedness, don’t blame yourself, it’s a consequence of the situation) —> then the mother gets upset that she can’t keep up, makes mistakes —> this breeds shame and guilt. And all this weighs heavily, like a concrete wall, on top of physical fatigue. Oh, and the favourite — comparing yourself to others — “well, she manages everything, it’s so easy for her” (PS: no — it’s not easy! No — it’s not simple! Not everyone is ready to talk about their failures, to boast that everything is much easier).
In fact, all mothers have a hard time in their own way. It’s just that in society it is still not accepted to be honest about maternal problems, despair, and confusion. Women are still ashamed to ask for help. Chronic sleep deprivation, monotony and isolation, loneliness lead to even greater exhaustion. Let’s not forget about physical fatigue: “Well, you sit at home with the baby and do nothing.” No, no, damn it, I DO: run there, bring this, change diapers, change clothes, put the baby to sleep, take the baby for a walk, feed the baby, and so on and so forth. And carrying a 5-6 kg baby in my arms until they calm down is a separate pain for me.
In extreme cases, this constant cycle can lead to postpartum depression — a condition that arises from accumulated physical and mental fatigue, prolonged stress, anxiety, fears about the arrival of a child, and hormonal changes. According to WHO data, 15% of pregnant women worldwide have anxiety disorders, and up to 20% experience postpartum depression.
Signs of depression (mums, please check if you have any of these symptoms, because in order to BE, you need to consciously find time to take care of yourself):
- alienation from family and friends;
- feelings of guilt, of one’s own worthlessness;
- lack of appetite or, conversely, overeating;
- problems with memory, concentration and decision-making;
- sleepiness or insomnia – waking up already tired;
- loss of interest in life, no joy;
- lack of satisfaction with one’s work;
- anxiety, nervousness, irritability, tearfulness, depression.
If any of these symptoms persist for more than two weeks, it may be a sign of depression and requires professional help.
Taking care of yourself is an essential part of taking care of your baby!
Read also:
What mothers feel after giving birth and how to find support
What should be done?
- Start small — even 10 minutes (yes, cartoons are okay when mum is tired and wants to eat breakfast in peace);
- Notice your actions: how much has been done and acknowledge it, do not devalue it;
- Share responsibilities;
- Don’t be a perfectionist in everyday life and everywhere else;
- Take care of yourself (on a plane, mother must put on oxygen mask first, then her child’s) – take care of your physical condition (sleep, bath, exercise, food, water);
Talk about feelings: don’t just say “how are you,” but really listen to “how are you living with this,” “how are you coping with this,” “how do you feel about this.” You can create family rituals. They bring the family closer together. They build strong bonds (because, if anything, it’s not easy for men either).
Breathing, relaxation. Psychotherapist.
It’s okay to ask for help. Even more than that, it’s a necessity (and it’s not just about sitting with your child, it’s more about meeting your needs, for example, having a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one, hugging, sleeping for a few hours without your child, going for a walk, etc.).
Make your life as easy as possible. If you want to sleep with your child, sleep (because there are 100500 myths about this too); if you want to eat by the bed with your child, eat; if there is dirt on the table, let it lie there, and you better sleep. Everything should be done with you in mind: you are the resource, and your baby is wonderful!
It’s okay to want and make time for yourself. It won’t make you love your child any less. Do what you like, what used to bring you pleasure, or maybe something new has come up that you’d like to do: go for a walk alone, jump around, go dancing, etc. For example, I discovered solo travel, because there, the biggest responsibility is me. And me, who is far from people and my usual rhythm of life.
Conscious identification of emotions. This gives you peace of mind. Everything passes, and so does this.
Limit the unwanted. People and their advice. Things that can upset you and drain your energy. For example, when you are trying to prove something to someone. Or watching news that triggers feelings that I am “not good enough.” The rule of three points helps me: ABC. When I see people at point C, I strive for that and it’s okay (as motivation or a vector to move towards), but I am at point B, and I used to be at A (and then, by the way, point B seemed unattainable). This calms me down, reminds me that I am moving at my own pace, at my own speed, and that the people at point C were also once at point B.
Review your expectations and be truly disappointed. The house is a mess, but I talked to a friend who supported me or set aside two hours for a good night’s sleep.
Forgive yourself. Of course, there can be breakdowns, and they are inevitable because anger builds up. But that doesn’t make you a bad mother. You are genuine, showing your child by example how to live a life that is not always easy. I just want to point out that violence is bad, but yelling and throwing a T-shirt that your child didn’t want to wear on the floor is okay. Showing compassion for yourself and telling your child that you are angry and why it happened brings relief. Spoiler alert: you will learn to do this with a small child, and later this model will teach your older child that anger is okay, and that it is okay to apologise afterwards and understand how things could have been done differently.
Be compassionate towards yourself. It is normal that you are having a hard time. Everyone’s situation is different, so don’t devalue yourself. Those who were criticised a lot as children are prone to it now, and that’s not okay. Self-support is a necessity!
Gather a circle of like-minded people for support. Women who share your views on motherhood and parenting. It’s a wonderful place of strength and support.
And finally, you are the best mothers for yourselves and your children.
Read also:
The Right to Be a Mother: Reproductive Experiences of Women with Disabilities in Ukraine
