Hello, wonderful mothers. My name is Nadiya. I am a general practitioner, currently completing my studies to become a psychiatrist and psychotherapist. I am also the mother of a two-year-old daughter. In this series of articles, I want to talk about motherhood — what I lacked at the beginning of my pregnancy, after giving birth, and what I am looking for now. I will share my experience, which may resonate with you. It does not claim to be the truth, because I believe that motherhood is an individual journey and everyone chooses what to believe in and what to adhere to. But perhaps my thoughts will show you new solutions or different perspectives that will be useful to you in your exploration of parenting or motherhood. Or maybe you will find support and understanding here that everything is okay with you. Because, I admit, I can be selfish, and yes, I also want to benefit from this issue — to provide the support to mothers that I once gathered with a teaspoon from everywhere when I so desperately needed it.
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So, in this issue, we will talk about:
- that mothers are not born with an understanding of how to raise children,
- that mum might feel and that’s okay
- how to prepare for motherhood
Statistics
You know, I want to start with some statistics. Sad ones. There is a non-governmental organisation called Lada, a group of mothers who run free projects to support other mothers. They conducted a comprehensive study on postpartum recovery among women in Ukraine. 713 women took part. Imagine, 96% of mothers faced psychological difficulties after giving birth. And only 7% of them sought help. 7! Only 7! 60% of women had relationship difficulties. 81% of women felt pressure to be “perfect”. I was scared by the statistics, to be honest. But I remember myself after the birth of my daughter and I realise that I could easily have been among those who said, “I can’t be perfect” or “something is really hard for me after the birth of my child”.
Women are not born knowing what to do when a baby is placed on their chest after pregnancy. I was confronted with these thoughts from various people around me: “Well, you’re a woman, it’s passed down genetically from mother to mother.” Now I want to shout: “Are you serious?” But back then, I was vulnerable and blamed myself for something being wrong with me. I was terrified when that tiny little life lay on my chest and looked at me. And I found it difficult to even put it to my breast. Of course, I knew some basic things about caring for a baby — whether to swaddle it or not, what to feed it, how often, how to wash it, what to bathe it with, what physiological changes to expect as the baby’s body develops — I knew, because I had been in medicine for over 10 years (although I am a doctor for adults, we were taught everything at university for 6 years — from infants to the elderly. And with practice on mannequins). But having this knowledge was not enough for me. Practising here and now — that was the difficulty.
Motherhood is glorified. And it’s wonderful, wonderful when people bring new life into the world. It’s wonderful when it’s also a conscious decision. Now I remember that those feelings can be likened to a film: they told a beautiful story before, then a happy ending in the form of birth, and then the end of the film. And what to do? What next? Because what follows is definitely a big beginning, with fewer answers than questions.
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Now I would say to myself: Nadia, it’s okay that you felt, experienced and still feel that way. All thoughts and feelings, no matter how strange, wrong or bad they may seem, are normal. From a psychological point of view, I will mention what mothers may feel, but sometimes behind the “you should be happy about the birth, about the child” these feelings are hidden, trampled on. And that’s not okay.
Confusion, not knowing what to do, how to swaddle, how to put on a nappy correctly, why the baby coughed, why it is crying, how long it has been crying. Whether this rash is okay, whether to write to the paediatrician.
I miss the past, because motherhood really changes your life: you can’t go back to the same level of activity you had before, if only because you now have the added responsibility of caring for a child. To be honest, I still mourn that loss. I miss my freedom, the feeling that the evening could be mine and mine alone.
It is embarrassing to ask for support because it is taboo on both sides with phrases such as “well, we managed,” “well, you only have one child,” and “others have it worse.”
Devaluation, because sometimes I have encountered women bullying other women for not knowing how to do something or not being knowledgeable about something. I am still surprised and angry that this is possible, but I see that it is possible to build a circle of support from loved ones and stop feeling “shameful” about motherhood.
Anger, for example, at unsolicited advice. When every step is commented on by experts — from grandmothers to aunts sitting on benches outside the building. It is especially difficult when it is hard to defend your views. It is not so common in our culture to respect our children’s decisions; for some reason, parents are convinced that having lived through this experience, they know better than us.
Helplessness that sometimes expectations are not met, that it is actually very difficult, that there are moments when a child’s crying is extremely annoying, you want to throw something away, break something, run away, start a new life, or just want to spend a few hours in silence and not feel like “I am a mother who has abandoned her child.”
Disappointment — everything is not like the pictures of happy endings.
Fear. From the simple: why is the baby breathing so quietly at night, or breathing at all, to the bigger — how to live here, whether to run to the shelter during an air raid, which nursery to send them to, from what age.
I even wonder if I’m a good enough mum if I work and hire a nanny to look after my child. Do I love myself and my time more than my child? Spoiler alert — you are already the best mum for your child!
In fact, the range of feelings and thoughts that mothers can have is enormous. I don’t intend to talk about all of them. But if you’ve experienced any of these, it’s normal. That’s what I want to convey.
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How can one prepare for motherhood?
No way. Just kidding. Mainly because even if I read 100,500 books, I still wouldn’t consider myself ready, because a child is a living being and we form a relationship. These relationships are individual, dynamic and definitely won’t be like the ones in books.
But there are still things to pay attention to.
First, decide what to believe in. This is very difficult. And it’s normal that this decision is not made immediately, that there may be disagreements in the family, or that this “religion” may change later on. What I mean by choosing “what to believe in” is choosing what you will rely on and feel good about. For example:
- Some choose to repeat their parents’ scenario – this is actually a simple method, because subconsciously we remember how we were cared for, and those who have younger sisters or brothers may have seen this model even at a more conscious age.
- Believing a friend (this can be observed among close friends, godparents) when a woman repeats after the woman who is the first to go through this experience.
- I don’t believe that there are any experts to copy, because motherhood is an individual journey. There are psychologists who specialise in mental development and paediatricians who specialise in physical development, but mothers go even deeper — their role in society, family, culture, philosophy of life, etc. And if anything, I don’t claim this role for myself; my mission is to support mothers and perhaps show different perspectives on similar situations.
- Read literature (but here too, there are as many opinions as there are books).
What helps me is enriching myself with literature, learning, reading alternatives and choosing those that resonate with me. When I “try on” a parenting method or piece of advice, before trying it out, I ask myself two questions:
- Will I like myself if I am the kind of mother who does that?
- Is there unconditional love and respect for the child in this method, this advice?
For myself, I chose the base:
- breastfeeding training (yes, I dismissed the notion that “I didn’t have milk, so you won’t either,” that my breasts were too small, or that there was a war going on and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. I began to research the issue and take an interest in it, which ultimately led to me breastfeeding until my child was 1.2 years old).
- basics of childcare (there are many parenting schools, mostly based in maternity hospitals or perinatal centres) – my medical education helped me here. But this issue can be easily resolved with your family doctor and then your paediatrician when your baby is born. Indeed, there is no shame in asking a paediatrician whether the colour of your baby’s eyes or hair is normal.
- The issue of upbringing is covered for me by literature (I am glad that many Ukrainian psychologists publish contemporary books, such as 4Mamas), the creation of a supportive environment (I will talk about this in the next issue) and, if necessary, psychotherapy (because the birth of a child is also an identity crisis).
And finally, I would like to say that there are no right or wrong decisions about motherhood, no right or wrong ideas about motherhood – there is the family and its decisions, and no one can tell each family how to build their life and family correctly or incorrectly.
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